Chicken With No Head

I received a call tonight from a friend who became a friend only by chance.  She's really sweet & always made me laugh & I have no idea how I came to know this about her, but her brother was killed on 9/11.

September is always a rough time for many of my friends.  It's a time where I'm always left feeling like a chicken with my head cut off.  I never know what to do to give back for all the sacrifices that people made that day.  I've spent 11 years trying to think of ways to keep the memory alive of my friend who died that day & for my other friend that got out of the building.  It's hard & I keep it to myself & I spend time with my friends that survived that day, but I really always feel like I never do enough.

For years I didn't know what to do or where to go or how to celebrate the life of my friend who was killed.  It was a weird feeling, one that I never really share with many, because I always felt that there were so many others who suffered much more than I did.  I jumped at the chance to become a 9/11 Memorial volunteer because it gave me the chance to be close to Jerry & to keep him close by.  I know many don't understand why I do it, but it's to give back.  It fills the void of not being able to do something meaningful for the past 10 years.

When she called me tonight I knew she was hurting.  I haven't thought about September yet, even though August is over & Septmber is less than 48 hours away.  I think back 10 years & wonder what would have happened if he had come to Ireland with me, since he had never been, or if he had answered his cell phone while I was at the airport.  I guess you can spend your whole life wondering about what ifs.

So when I spoke to my friend tonight, we tried to laugh & tried to be funny, but I know she is hurting & even though my lame attempt at humor made her giggle, I can't take away her pain.  I was so touched that she called me to tell me she was thinking of me, such a selfless thing for someone who has been through so much.  It's an odd feeling, but there's something that makes me so grateful that I met her.  I think of her & her brother when I work at the WTC & I hope that brings her comfort.

See you Tuesday MD.